mother_hearted: (Default)
Tokiya ([personal profile] mother_hearted) wrote2017-04-03 12:00 pm

entry one.

So I'm back to try journaling again.

I know I pretty much use this journal as a writing dumb and to read my feed. Even if there's no real interaction, I can always link it on my plurk, but more importantly, I think I need to do this again.

I need to get back into the habit of using my words better, more effectively. More concisely. My problem always was, I felt like there had to be an order or format to things, because I need structure in my life. But as I've been finding, especially with the winter blues slowly drawing themselves away, I have had more successes then failures lately. It's not wrong to be a little hopeful.

Maybe my entries will be incredibly long. Maybe they will only be one sentence. It's just for me. I do want that, I do want to build the habit.

Ahhhh, today is one of the last days before I go back to work at the greenhouse. I'm excited to work and make real money again, although I think about my behavior last year and I want to cringe. I am always my worst enemy and this was especially confirmed when I told Pat I was embarrassed by some of the things I did or said last year, but she didn't think I was childish at all. While I know I could have been better, it's nice to know, I was still being harder on myself then I needed to be. Ffff.

My goal for this year is to simply do my best, complain less, be more honest while knowing I don't have to say much, or feel prompted to. With my social anxiety, I have built up behaviors that serve me well in some situations, but others they really don't need to be involved in. Sometimes I feel like I have to contribute, or worse, perform some social role. And then I feel exhausted, and, tired, and weird, not myself. It's a cycle that I can break but I have to take that breath and just do it.

My core personality, when I am not in that heightened state of anxious instability, is pretty mellow.

I once described myself as a slow moving creature in a fast paced world who can be easily startled. Lovey confirmed, lmao. My pet name is Bear for many reasons and that is one of them.

In terms of work tho, I feel nervous because I can't come in on Wednesday, when the season officially starts. I have to come in on Thursday, because George has a vet visit, and I can't come in due to weird transportation issues. But I didn't want to say that, so I lead with the other truth, and did lie about one thing. I do have to watch George, but I did say he was on medication that makes him loopy/sick, which he was in the past but not now. It just seemed easier to justify than me not knowing what to say.

I'm still uncomfortable saying no, or this doesn't work for me, in these situations... I've been burned and treated badly in the past and I wish I could unlearn that but it. Takes time. R is nice. And a good guy. I told him right away, and did the right thing, texted Mel back immediately.

It still makes me feel sick, and nervous.

I hate that text and e-mail has been ruined for me in a professional sense, after being an independent contractor in Orange/Milford. Taking work home with me and dealing with people who were mad at me because the communications line from the whole business was so bad. Ugggh.

You know you're anxious when adrenaline kicks in all because you think a bomb is going to appear in your mailbox when it reality the e-mail will be like, okay, see you Thursday.

Spilling my guts today, I think that was enough.

Good things:

Took a shower and my hair is full of volume again. Going shopping tonight for food to plan dinners for the week. Made a a lot of progress on lovey's birthday decorations. Rolled Hector in FE:H and nearly had a heart attack this morning, lmao.

Everything will be okay.

It was nice to do this.

For some reason, I am having trouble on plurk again.

So I'm glad I have this.